It's almost been two months.
Surprisingly, I haven't budged, and I'm glad of that. I have not run away or started any serious arguments. I haven't accused him of infidelity because of my own insecurities. I didn't do any of these things because of one thing: He makes me happy.
So there is no reason at all to blame the blameless for nothing.
I do admit that sometimes I feel insecure about myself in the relationship. I don't know if it is because I'm five years older or the fact that I've been in more relationships and had more experiences than that of my current boyfriend... But, I feel guilty nonetheless.
He had asked me about my past relations, and I had to pause to think. Lying would be the worst thing to do in a new relationship, and all I could hope for was a new chance in love. So I did the best thing I could do: tell the truth.
In all honesty, I was scared to mention the more personal details in my past experiences, and I sat there chewing the inside of my lips and he absorbed the information. I wanted to know what was going on in his head at the time (actually, I want to know what goes on in that head of his all the time). He's not one to express himself so easily at first. In the end, he accepted everything that I've told him, and I felt myself feel more at ease with him. I trusted him more.
But of course... My insecurities from my last relationship still lingers, and I try not to let that bring me down. Not all relationships are the same, after all. So every time, he asked a question, I answered, hoping beyond all hope that he didn't think of me any differently than the first time we got together.
A lot of times, I find myself asking him, "What are you thinking?" In moments, like these, I want to kick myself in the ass for blurting such a question. I didn't want to seem like I was prying too much, but I'm always curious. With him being so quiet at times, I always want to know what was going on in that head of his. The darker side of me had thought at one point, "Maybe he's thinking of leaving you," or "You might be boring him," or even "Maybe he's mad at you." I had to brush these thoughts aside and ignore the fear that was building up inside of me in order to think more clearly. I knew that none of these things that I thought of weren't true, but there was always that what if in the back of my mind...
But the more I hung around him, the more I slept in his arms, the more we held hands, and the more we kissed... I loved him more than I could ever imagine. After my last relationship, I didn't think it was possible to feel the same way again. It's that breathless feeling I get every time he kissed me, where my toes and fingers start feeling numb, and my head feels light and airy, and I forget everything around me. My chests starts to ache in a pleasurable way, and I know I've fallen hard. Every kiss and every touch reminds me of just that. It wipes away all my insecurities, and I forget that I've ever thought of anything negative.
I may be older and more "experienced," but in this relationship, everything will always seem new to me.
I love you, Alvin.